


A disaster of the gays

by queerdo17



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Acxa & Keith (Voltron) are Siblings, Alternate Universe - College/University, Aromantic Asexual Pidge | Katie Holt, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Chatting & Messaging, Cuban Lance (Voltron), Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Gay Keith (Voltron), Gen, How Do I Tag, Hunk (Voltron) is a Good Friend, Hunk (Voltron) is so Pure, I Blame Tumblr, I Don't Even Know, I'm Sorry, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Keith & Shiro (Voltron) are Siblings, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Lance (Voltron) Has Anxiety, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance is a triplet, M/M, Nonbinary Pidge | Katie Holt, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Relationship(s), Past Sexual Abuse, Tags May Change, Texting, The Author Regrets Everything, There's A Tag For That, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Trans Lance (Voltron), chat fic, it's a mess, oof, text fic, they all live together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-06-15 20:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 12,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15420513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerdo17/pseuds/queerdo17
Summary: I don't even know, man. A voltron chat fic! Everyone is queer. Eventual klance. They're all heathens. Don't have an updating schedule, just kinda winging it.





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> A groupchat is formed, mistakes are made, and the author doesn't know what he's doing.
> 
> Usernames-  
> Lance- LanceMcclain/asshole  
> Pidge- KatieHolt/pidgeon  
> Keith- KeithKogane/xXEm0F0rLyf3Xx  
> Shiro- TakashiShirogane/space dad  
> Allura- AlluraAltea/Princess  
> Coran- CoranSmythe/weird uncle  
> Shay- ShayGem/The Favorite  
> Hunk- HunkGarrett/cinnamon roll  
> Matt- MattHolt/Lesser Sibling

12:08 A.M. LanceMcclain added KatieHolt, KeithKogane, TakashiShirogane, HunkGarrett, MatthewHolt, ShayGem, AlluraAltea, and CoranSmythe to a new group!

LanceMcclain named group “The Team AF”

LanceMcclain: wassup my dudes

[12: 23 A.M.]  
KatieHolt: noooo not another

KatieHolt changed their user to pidgeon  
pidgeon changed LanceMcclain’s user to asshole  
pidgeon changed KeithKogane’s user to xXEm0F0rLyf3Xx  
pidgeon changed TakashiShirogane’s user to space dad  
pidgeon changed HunkGarrett’s user to cinnamon roll

xXEm0F0rLyf3Xx: Pidge, you’re dead to me

pidgeon changed MatthewHolt’s user to Lesser Sibling  
pidgeon changed ShayGem’s user to The Favorite  
pidgeon changed CoranSmythe’s user to weird uncle  
pidgeon changed AlluraAltea’s user to Princess

asshole: pidgey poo how could u

pidgeon: that’s how  
pidgeon: perish, mcclain

weird uncle: What’s this?  
weird uncle: Who are you all?

Princess: It’s a groupchat on the messaging app I recently installed on your phone  
Princess: For everyone’s sake, how about we do introductions? Name, pronouns, and sexuality (if you’re comfortable)  
Princess: I am Allura, she/her, lesbian

asshole: lance, he/him, and available ;)

space dad: Lance.

asshole: fiiiine. im bi af my dudes

cinnamon roll: what is this  
cinnamon roll: lance, didn’t i say no

asshole: yeahhhh but huuunkkkk its funnnn

cinnamon roll: sigh fine  
cinnamon roll: hunk, he/him, panro ace

The Favorite: Shay, she/her, bi  
The Favorite: Aw, pidge you think I’m the favorite?

pidgeon: ye  
pidgeon: pidge, they/them, aro ace

asshole: shirooooo  
asshole: keeeithhhh  
asshole: coraaannn

space dad: I am Shiro, he/him, gay.  
space dad: Keith is sleeping right now.

xXEm0F0rLyf3Xx: No I’m not, fuck you shiro

space dad: Language.

pidgeon: english

asshole: english  
asshole: dammit pidge!

cinnamon roll: why do i feel like keith was sleeping until shiro said his name, and then he woke up simply to defy him

space dad: Because that is apparently exactly what happened. I just went to check on him, and he was completely passed out with his phone still on in his hand.  
space dad: You should all be sleeping.

asshole: lol moid  
asshole: wait no-

pidgeon: moid

space dad: moid

cinnamon roll: moid

The Favorite: moid

Princess: moid

Lesser Sibling: moid

xXEm0F0rLyf3Xx: moid

pidgeon: damn keith woke up just to roast lance  
pidgeon: and dont think i didnt see u, heathen

Lesser Sibling: fuck  
Lesser Sibling: fiiiine. Matt, he/him, gay for shiro, but bi for everyone

asshole: Matt!

Lesser Sibling: Lance!

asshole: ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Lesser Sibling: ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Princess: Why are you two always like this

asshole: its just what we do princess ;)  
asshole: ok my user is offending me now

asshole changed their user to Lancelot

Lancelot: better

space dad: Okay, now everyone needs to go to sleep.

cinnamon roll: goodnight, everyone

Lancelot: buenas noches, my darling angel hunketh, plus the rest of u heathens

Princess: Goodnight!

The Favorite: Goodnight everyone!

 

7:34 A.M. xXEm0F0rLyf3Xx to The Team AF

xXEm0F0rLyf3Xx: How do I change my user?


	2. sad times for memes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things are said, feelings are hurt, the author projects a bit onto lance (better get used to it yall), my bois are gay and things happen sooner than i planned cuz im impatient and have no plans whatsoever lol, welcome to keeping up with the mcclains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usernames-
> 
> Lance- asshole/Too skinny/Lance  
> Hunk- cinnamon roll/Strong boi/HunkGarrett/Hunk  
> Keith- xXEm0F0rLyf3Xx/KeithKogane/Keith/Sword/Young One/The Baby  
> Shiro- space dad/TakashiShirogane/Old One/The Oldest  
> Allura- Princess/AlluraAltea  
> Pidge- pidgeon/KatieHolt  
> Shay- ShayGem  
> Acxa- The Middle

9:50 A.M. pidgeon to The Team AF

pidgeon: this gc name sucks ass, lance

pidgeon changed group name to “a disaster of gays”

pidgeon: much better

asshole: BET  
asshole: i am oFFENDED

Princess: shhhhhhh  
Princess: It’s too early for your dramatics

asshole: gASP  
asshole: i am oFFENDED

xXEm0F0rLyf3Xx: Wow Lance  
xXEm0F0rLyf3Xx: Using the same joke twice in a row?  
xXEm0F0rLyf3Xx: That’s weak

asshole: g a s p  
asshole: how could u betray me like this keef

xXEm0F0rLyf3Xx: Read your user  
xXEm0F0rLyf3Xx: That’s how

space dad: Lance, stop

cinnamon roll: hey guys whats up  
cinnamon roll: oh  
cinnamon roll: some strong emotions going on here so early in the morning, huh?  
cinnamon roll: how about everyone just calms down?

xXEm0F0rLyf3Xx: He deserved it, and more

cinnamon roll: okay, let’s all just take a breather

 

10:08 A.M. Strong boi to Too skinny

Strong boi: Lance?  
Strong boi: buddy, you okay?

Too skinny: yeah, yeah man im fine

Strong boi: lance, you remember what fine means in the italian job

Too skinny: …

Strong boi: F’ed up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional  
Strong boi: and we both know you only say you’re fine when you’re not  
Strong boi: you know they didn’t mean to hurt you, right?

Too skinny: then what did they mean to do, hunk?  
Too skinny: bc im pretty sure allura meant it when she called me dramatic  
Too skinny: im pretty sure keith meant it when he called me an asshole, as did pidge  
Too skinny: im pretty sure shiro meant it when he called only me out, and completely ignored the other 3  
Too skinny: and im pretty sure keith meant it when he said i deserved it and more  
Too skinny: i know im being dramatic again right now, as allura said i am, but i cant help it! everything in my life is falling to shit right now, and i dont need the shit from the gc as well

Strong boi: lance, is something else going on at home?

Too skinny: lucio, luz, and i are all focusing on college, eder’s refusing to go to his therapy sessions, coral has gotten into four fights in the last five days all of which ended up with her and another kid in the principal’s office, and mari just had a miscarriage  
Too skinny: she lost the baby  
Too skinny: mamá has been spending so much time trying to help her and take care of her  
Too skinny: she and ricardo moved back home for the time being  
Too skinny: papá’s work is doing layoffs and we’re scared he could be next  
Too skinny: everything is a complete disaster right now

Strong boi: oh lance im so sorry  
Strong boi: i know how much you were looking forward to the baby  
Strong boi: and i know how much you love your siblings, so that must all be really hard  
Strong boi: do you want to come over for ice cream?  
Strong boi: my moms have been asking when you’re coming over again

Too skinny: yeah, that’d be great

Strong boi: okay, come on over  
Strong boi: do you want me to let the gc know to lay off?

Too skinny: yes plz  
Too skinny: ill be over in 10

Strong boi: ok

Strong boi took a screenshot of chat

 

10:29 A.M. HunkGarrett added KatieHolt, KeithKogane, AlluraAltea, TakashiShirogane, MatthewHolt, and ShayGem to a new group!

HunkGarrett named group “enough is enough”

HunkGarrett sent a photo

KatieHolt: lol is his contact name in ur pm Too skinny?  
KatieHolt: thats great

HunkGarrett: pidge, did you read the texts

KatieHolt: no  
KatieHolt: oh shit

ShayGem: oh my goodness you guys  
ShayGem: what did you do

TakashiShirogane: Something bad.

KatieHolt: mari lost the baby?  
KatieHolt: oh god lance must be devastated

AlluraAltea: Oh no  
AlluraAltea: I didn’t realize Lance was feeling this way and I should have. I’ve known him long enough

KeithKogane: shit

 

10:37 A.M. Young One to Old One

Young One: shit shiro shiro shiro

Old One: We all messed up, Keith.

Young One: I know that, but still. It’s lance  
Young One: also, uh, do you know who those people are that were mentioned?

Old One: No, I don’t. I’d ask Hunk if I was you.  
Old One: And apologize to Lance at some point, as I suspect we will all be doing.

Young One: yeah, okay

 

10:40 A.M. Keith to Hunk

Keith: hey man

Hunk: yeah

Keith: two things…  
Keith: uh, first is how should I best apologize to lance?  
Keith: and second, who are those people that lance was talking about?

Hunk: you should just be sincere, and avoid insults, and understand that oftentimes what he says is not at all what he means  
Hunk: and for the people… hold on this might take a sec to type out

[10:56 A.M.]  
Hunk: Okay, so Coral is Lance’s youngest sibling. She’s thirteen, and very intense. She constantly gets into fights, most of which tend to result in at least minor injuries. I think there’s only been about four emergency room visits. Eder is Lance’s younger brother. He’s fifteen, and has severe depression. Him and Lance used to go to therapy sessions together, but recently Eder has begun refusing to go, leaving Lance to go by himself while also increasing his concern for his younger brother. Luz, Lucio, and Lance are triplets. Luz is his sister and Lucio is his brother. He’s closest with them out of all his siblings, so whenever something is bothering them, he always knows, and he also always knows how to fix it. Except for now, with preparing for college because Lance is aiming for marine biology, Luz wants to become a graphic designer, and Lucio is interested in sports and only sports. So they’re all looking at different colleges, and it’s going to be the longest amount of time they’ve ever been apart. Aside from this, the longest they’ve been separated is for a month when Lance had to stay in the hospital. And even then, they visited him daily. And Mari is Marisela. She’s the oldest. She’s twenty-four, and she was about to have her first baby and everyone was so excited. Ricardo, her husband, had built a brand-new nursery in their house by himself, and it was almost completed. Mari has always taken care of her siblings, always been there to pick them up, so seeing her so vulnerable and hurt must be extremely painful for Lance.

Keith: wow… that’s a lot…

Hunk: don’t hurt him, keith  
Hunk: talk to him. he cares more about your opinion than even he himself realizes

Keith: okay. I will.

 

10:58 A.M. Sword to Lance

Sword: hey

Lance: hey man! What is up my dude?  
Lance: what’s hip happening?

Sword: what

Lance: why’d my favorite mullet boi message me?

Sword: oh uh… i wanted to apologize for what i said in the groupchat

Lance: oh that? Its fine, man dont worry about it

Sword: no its not fine  
Sword: i hurt your feelings, lance  
Sword: what i said was rude and uncalled for and i didn’t mean it at all  
Sword: I was just lashing out  
Sword: I do care about you, lance and i care about how you feel, despite how it may seem  
Sword: im just so used to our “rivalry” and constantly fighting with you that sometimes i forget how happy i am to have your friendship  
Sword: i really and truly care about you, lance

Lance: u ass im crying now

Sword: no no no dont cry shit im sorry

Lance: dont worry dude its happy crying

 

11:03 The Baby to The Ganes

The Baby: you guys im gonna tell him

The Oldest: I’m sorry, w h a t

The Middle: fuckin finally  
The Middle: go get that boy, little bro  
The Middle: if you hurt him, i will kill you  
The Middle: if he hurts you, i will pat him on the back and say thanks

The Baby: acxa, you can go fuck yourself

The Oldest: Language, you guys!  
The Oldest: Go for it, Keith  
The Oldest: And I agree with Axca

The Baby: you two are the worst older siblings ever  
The Baby: well, here goes nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol could you guys tell i kinda gave up on making keith type normally  
> We're just gonna call it him becoming more comfortable with the gc cuz why not  
> more team healing and bonding to come next chapter- whenever that is  
> im also introducing some more plot points and things (like the hospital) that will be addressed later


	3. No Better Than Before, But Not As Bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I honestly dont know whats happening anymore  
> idk if this needs a tw or not, but the team is kinda rude to lance and he has a bit of a breakdown for a little bit but its nothing major and its all ok. his breakdown is towards the end, in the pm between lance and keith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usernames-
> 
> Shiro- The Oldest/space dad  
> Acxa- The Middle  
> Keith- xXEm0F0rLyf3Xx/The Best Boyf  
> Lance- asshole/ A Good Boyf  
> Hunk- cinnamon roll  
> Pidge- pidgeon  
> Shay- The Favorite  
> Matt- Lesser Sibling  
> Allura- Princess

9:28 P.M. The Oldest to The Ganes

The Oldest: Keith, where are you?

The Middle: keeeeith  
The Middle: get your gay ass home  
The Middle: i want food and there is a certain asshole here who believes in “family meals”

The Oldest: Acxa, language!  
The Oldest: Seriously though.  
The Oldest: Keith, I haven’t heard from you all day. Where are you?

 

9:45 P.M. space dad to a disaster of the gays

space dad: Has anyone heard from Keith this afternoon?  
space dad: He hasn’t been answering any of mine or Acxa’s messages since this morning.

cinnamon roll: no, I haven’t heard from him. sorry shiro

Princess: I haven’t heard from him either

pidgeon: nope he gone done died

The Favorite: I haven’t either  
The Favorite: Is something going on?

asshole: shit shit shit  
asshole: sorry guys i thought keith told u  
asshole: hes over at mine rn  
asshole: sorry shiro, i think we’re keeping him for the night

space dad: Okay. I’m just glad he’s safe. Thank you for letting us know, Lance

pidgeon: *side eye emoji*

cinnamon roll: why,,, did you just type that out instead of sending the actual thing

pidgeon: chaotic neutral, bitches

The Favorite: why /is/ keith at your house, lance?

asshole: uh…  
asshole: hold on

pidgeon: hmm inch resting

asshole: ok

asshole has changed their user to A Good Boyf  
A Good Boyf has changed xXEm0F0rLyf3Xx’s user to The Best Boyf

The Best Boyf: Lance!

pidgeon: OH SHIT

The Favorite: OH SHIT

Princess: OH SHIT

cinnamon roll: OH SHIT

Lesser Sibling: OH SHIT

space dad: oh finally

The Best Boyf: Shiro!

A Good Boyf: <3  
A Good Boyf: u okayed it, babe

The Best Boyf: i said /maybe/

A Good Boyf: ok but consider this  
A Good Boyf: cuddles

The Best Boyf: …  
The Best Boyf: be right there

pidgeon: oh no

The Favorite: oh no

Princess: oh no

cinnamon roll: oh no

Lesser Sibling: oh no

pidgeon: what,,, the fUCK kinda domestic bullshit is this

A Good Boyf: hush, gremlin

The Best Boyf: let me cuddle my boyf in peace

pidgeon: ok NOPE fuck this shit im out

space dad: Language!

pidgeon: is that a gay???

The Favorite: in my good christian suburb???

Princess: I stan one (1) girl

cinnamon roll: I also stan her <3

The Favorite: <3

pidgeon: d i s g u s t i n g

Lesser Sibling: ur just salty bc mom and dad said u cant date until ur 18

pidgeon: ,,,i dont WANT to date!!!  
pidgeon: i am a r o m a n t i c

space dad: Thank you for feeling comfortable enough with telling us, Pidge.

The Favorite: aww pidge thats great!

cinnamon roll: aww pidge thats great!

The Favorite: twins!

cinnamon roll: twins!

pidgeon: ,,,i think im gonna be sick  
pidgeon: congrats u two nerds, lance dont fuck this up

space dad: Language!  
space dad: Don't hurt my little brother, Lance.

Princess: I'm so happy for you guys! And yes, please do be careful, Lance. Try to avoid... being you.

 

10:18 P.M. Sword to Lance

Sword: Laaance  
Sword: Laaaance  
Sword: Lance, you know they didn't mean it like that

Lance: mean it like what, keith?  
Lance: mean it exactly like how they all said it?  
Lance: i know i flirt a lot, but its never serious, and i havent flirted with anyone except you in months! have they not realized that im serious? do they actually think im so shallow that i'll disregard you and how you feel? why dont they trust me? i get that im not as perfect as the rest of them, but they dont have to rub it in my face like that. i just wish they'd trust me, and trust that i can be serious. and it hurts when they treat me like shit, when they treat me like i havent changed or grown at all.

Sword: Lance, I know you can be serious, and I know you care far more about other's feelings- you care almost too much. I can have a talk with the group about not being assholes, if you want. And I think, just as a safety measure, we should set up a signal or something to let the other know when it's all getting to be too much and an immediate subject change needs to happen.  
Sword: What do you think, Lance? I'll do whatever you want.

Lance: I think the signal is a good idea, but what should it be? and i can tell the group myself. i just need a bit of time first.

Sword: okay, if that's what you think is best.  
Sword: idk... maybe something referencing a thing we both enjoy?

Lance: ur ass <3

Sword: I swear  
Sword: no how about something from that one show we watched?

Lance: Voltron Legendary Defender?

Sword: yeah

Lance: how about just vld?

Sword: okay, sounds good  
Sword: if either of us is feeling overwhelmed or in need of help, just say vld and the other will be there immediately

Lance: ok  
Lance: thank u, keith  
Lance: for everything

Lance changed Sword's user to mi alma <3

Lance: my soul

mi alma changed Lance's user to 내 인생

mi alma: my life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi yeah uhhhh this is a shit show and im not even sorry lol  
> i used google translate on the korean for "my life" so please tell me if it's wrong!


	4. Spa day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just kinda a filler chapter
> 
> im trying to figure out an actual plot but rn yall are just getting whatever comes to mind first  
> sorry not sorry lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usernames-
> 
> Lance- A Good Boyf/StringBean/Chocolate  
> Hunk- cinnamon roll/Mother Earth  
> Keith- The Best Boyf/I Have A Knife  
> Shiro- space dad/space DEAD  
> Pidge- pidgeon  
> Allura- Princess/silence, heathen/Caramel/i am mom, hear me weep  
> Shay- Shea Butter/The Favorite/Ethereal Beauty  
> Matt- Lesser Sibling

7:28 A.M. A Good Boyf to a disaster of the gays

A Good Boyf has left the chat!

Princess: Oh shit waddup  
Princess: No but seriously, oh shit what’s up  
Princess: In all my years of knowing Lance, he has never once been awake before 10 am

The Best Boyf: he isn’t awake

Princess: ??

The Best Boyf: he wanted to leave the chat last night, but forgot to, so I removed him when I woke up

Princess: Wait but it said he left, not that he was removed…  
Princess: OH SHIT

The Best Boyf changed Princess’s user to silence, heathen  
The Best Boyf has removed silence, heathen from the chat!  
The Best Boyf changed their user to I Have A Knife

I Have A Knife: try me, assholes.

 

9:46 A.M. Goddess to StringBean

Goddess: Lonce

StringBean: Allora

Goddess: oh good, you’re up  
Goddess: listen, I just got a bunch of the good shit and I need my spa buddy

StringBean: what color nail polish do u have

Goddess: Every color

StringBean: be tjere in 5  
StringBean: fuck-

Goddess: tjere

 

9:53 A.M. Caramel to The Beautiful Browns

Caramel: Get your asses in gear, we’re having a spa day bitches  
Caramel: Be at my house in the next 20 minutes or you don’t get your nails done

Shea Butter: Do I need to bring any treatment things with me?

Caramel: Nope, I’m loaded rn

Chocolate: allura we love u  
Chocolate: also i left my house 1 minute ago, be there in 4

Mother Earth: I’ll be there in 15!

Shea Butter: Huuunkkkkk

Mother Earth: I’ll be there in 20, apparently

Shea Butter: <3

Mother Earth: <3

Caramel: LET’S GO

 

12:54 P.M. pidgeon to a disaster of the gays

pidgeon: oof shit went down this morning  
pidgeon: ok but now its too quiet in this chat its unnerving

pidgeon added silence, heathen to a disaster of the gays

silence, heathen: Keith, how fucking dare

silence, heathen changed their user to i am mom, hear me weep

i am mom, hear me weep: Lance, Hunk, Shay, and I are all having a spa day and Lance is doing our makeup and nails once we’re done with our face masks, and honestly I’m gay but damn I’d date Lance just for his makeup skills

i am mom, hear me weep has sent (4) photos!

i am mom, hear me weep: Shay has gone from gorgeous goddess to ethereal beauty

space dad: Lance can do makeup?

cinnamon roll: yes, he can  
cinnamon roll: I’ve been trying to convince him to start having people pay for him to do their makeup

The Favorite changed their user to Ethereal Beauty

Ethereal Beauty: He honestly should  
Ethereal Beauty: He just knows what products and the exact shades of everything each person needs to make them feel most comfortable and look absolutely stunning

Ethereal Beauty has sent (7) photos!

Ethereal Beauty: Look at Hunk and Allura!

pidgeon: oh my god allura that shade of pink is so perfect for you wtf  
pidgeon: h u n k,, u absolute gorgeous being

cinnamon roll has sent (9) photos!

cinnamon roll: Lance, in all his perfection! <3  
cinnamon roll: my fave bro

pidgeon saved (20) photos!  
space dad saved (20) photos!  
Lesser Sibling saved (20) photos!  
I Have A Knife saved (20) photos!

i am mom, hear me weep: Ok, we have to go now

cinnamon roll: we’re doing bonding time

Ethereal Beauty: and it’s a sacred time

i am mom, hear me weep: So

cinnamon roll: good

Ethereal Beauty: bye

Lesser Sibling: ...did they practice that

pidgeon: matt, dont question the mind powers of the rulers of the chat

space dad: Hey, what about me?

I Have A Knife: shito, you’re too irresponsible to be a ruler

pidgeon: lol shito

Lesser Sibling: shito

i am mom, hear me weep: shito

Ethereal Beauty: shito

cinnamon roll: shito

A Good Boyf: shito

A Good Boyf has left the chat!

pidgeon: wHAT

Lesser Sibling: wHAT

pidgeon: drift compatible

Lesser Sibling: drift compatible

pidgeon: ayyyyyyyyyy

Lesser Sibling: ayyyyyyyyyy

space dad: …  
space dad: I assume no responsibility for these children

space dad changed their user to space DEAD

space DEAD: bye, bitches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so tired
> 
> i love reading comments and getting feedback
> 
> plz validate me
> 
> this was longer than i planned for it to be  
> it was originally just like, the first main chat, lance and alluras chat, and the Beautiful Browns, but then it suddenly got much longer


	5. Let Space Dad Rest 2k18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dont let keith and allura have free reign in the kitchen or hunk might kill them both
> 
> Acxa is a cat confirmed
> 
> Shiro is just tired at this point  
> Hes so tired
> 
> just a fun chapter  
> i wanted to write more keith/acxa/shiro interaction and this is my excuse for... everything that came after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usernames-
> 
> Keith- I Have A Knife/The Baby  
> Allura- i am mom, hear me weep  
> Lance- A Good Boyf/The prodigal son/Lance  
> Pidge- pidgeon  
> Shay- Ethereal Beauty  
> Matt- Lesser Sibling/Let Space Dad Rest 2k18  
> Shiro- space DEAD/The Oldest/Shiro The Hero  
> Acxa- The Middle  
> Warnings for all caps typing in the middle of the chapter  
> Hunk- cinnamon roll/Gordon Ramsey

5:28 P.M. i am mom, hear me weep to a disaster of the gays

i am mom, hear me weep added A Good Boyf to the chat  
i am mom, hear me weep changed A Good Boyf’s user to The prodigal son

i am mom, hear me weep: Does anyone know how to unmelt a plastic spatula from a toaster?

I Have A Knife: Also from the ceiling?

cinnamon roll: what the FUCK did you two do???

pidgeon changed cinnamon roll’s user to Gordon Ramsey

I Have A Knife: blame allura!

i am mom, hear me weep: I swear, it was a complete accident  
i am mom, hear me weep: I honestly don’t even know what happened.

Gordon Ramsey: I’m going to need an explanation RIGHT NOW or fists are going to start swinging

The prodigal son: OH MY GOD IT WAS THE BEST THING  
The prodigal son: ok so we’re at the ganes, right?  
The prodigal son: and keith decides he wants fuckin grilled cheese

I Have A Knife: I was hungry, ok?

The prodigal son: hush, babe  
The prodigal son: ok so allura is all like “im the adult here, ill make the grilled cheese”  
The prodigal son: keith being keith responds with his usual fuck u im an adult attitude and they get in a fight over who gets to make the fuckin grilled cheese  
The prodigal son: so they have the cheese and the bread and shit and theyre fighting over it and somehow one of them drops just straight up cheese in the toaster which is on for some unknown reason

Gordon Ramsey: oh my god

The prodigal son: they both just kinda pause and stare at the toaster for a sec before realizing “oh shit theres fuckin cheese in the toaster its gonna melt and shiro is gonna kill us”  
The prodigal son: so allura grabs a fuckin plastic spatula

Gordon Ramsey: o h m y g o d

The prodigal son: and she starts jamming it in the toaster to try to get the cheese out  
The prodigal son: and the spatual gets stuck

pidgeon: this is the best thing ever

The prodigal son: they both flip out bc now theres cheese AND a spatula, both currently stuck and melting in the toaster  
The prodigal son: so keith grabs the entire toaster and just SHAKES it so fuckin hard that pieces of melted plastic and gooey cheese fly out and stick to the ceiling

Gordon Ramsey: OH MY GOD

pidgeon: AHAHAHAHAHAHA

The prodigal son: theyre both just kinda standing in the middle of the kitchen staring helplessly at the disaster theyve created  
The prodigal son: acxa came home partway through this and we’ve just been sitting here cackling together this entire time  
The prodigal son: im just waiting for shiro to get back

I Have A Knife: I didn’t think that it would stick to the ceiling!!! I panicked!!!!

i am mom, hear me weep: I d o n t k n o w w h a t h a p p e n e d

Gordon Ramsey: You two are banned from the kitchen, do you hear me?  
Gordon Ramsey: BANNED

The prodigal son: this is even better than the time coral accidentally caught Luz’s flower girl dress on fire while trying to heat up leftover tamales in the microwave

Gordon Ramsey: I’m going to have an aneurysm.

 

5:36 P.M. The Middle to The Ganes

The Middle: OH MY GOD SHIRO  
The Middle: SHIRO YOU GOTTA ANSWER

The Baby: NO YOU DONT EVERYTHING IS FINE

The Middle: SHIRO

The Baby: N O

The Middle: Y E S

The Oldest: What is going on??

The Middle: SHIRO YOU GOTTA COME HOME AND SEE THIS

The Baby: NO YOU DONT  
The Baby: SHIRO NO DONT COME HOME  
The Baby: JUST GO TO MATTS OR SOMETHING  
The Baby: MUTE YOUR PHONE

The Middle: SHIRO KEITH FUCKING MELTEDIHGVCJENIFHB

The Oldest: ????

The Middle: KEITH FUCKING TACKLED ME

The Baby: YOU FUCKING DESERVED IT  
The Baby: GET BACK HERE ASSHOLE

The Middle: RUN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN  
The Middle: YOU CANT CATCH ME CUZ I WONT FUCKING LET YOU

The Baby: GET THE FUCK OFF THE ROOF AND FACE ME ASSHAT

The Oldest: I hate this family.

 

5:42 P.M. Lance to Shiro The Hero

Lance: ok while keith is busy trying to kill acxa and allura is busy being confused by her own actions  
Lance: im stepping in to tell you to /get ur ass home right now/  
Lance: ur family is a giant disaster

Shiro The Hero: I have concerns.

Lance: h a

 

6:17 P.M. The prodigal son to a disaster of the gays

The prodigal son: ok updates-  
The prodigal son: about half an hour or so ago, acxa attempted to inform shiro as to what happened over text, keith tackled her, she bit him and bolted to the roof (idk how tf she got up there and im too scared to ask)  
The prodigal son: keith planted himself on the ground directly below her and remained there until shiro arrived home just a few minutes ago, when, upon his arrival, keith got a look of absolute /terror/ on his face and fuckin nyoomed the hell on outta there  
The prodigal son: hes currently hiding in the bathroom

I Have A Knife: shhhhhh no I’m not

The prodigal son: as soon as shiro got out of his car, he just stood there in the driveway for a moment, staring at the literally hissing acxa perched on the roof, and keiths dust trail, before sighing hella exhaustedly and just walking inside  
The prodigal son: he walked into the kitchen, saw the mess, and legit just turned right around and walked out of the house, repeating “patience yields focus” over and over again in the most dead voice ever

space DEAD: I’m so tired. I hate this family. Just once, I want to come home to a NORMAL household.  
space DEAD: Nice siblings who get along with each other and don’t bite each other or chase each other onto the roof.  
space DEAD: Friends who don’t help your sibling accidentally melt kitchen utensils and then send the melted utensil flying across the room.  
space DEAD: Lance, tell the children that the kitchen must be spotless by the time I return. Keith has to not be locked in the bathroom, Acxa can’t be on the roof, and Allura needs to stop sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor surrounded by bits of spatula.

pidgeon: let space dad rest 2k18

Gordon Ramsey: Let space dad rest 2k18

Ethereal Beauty: Let space dad rest 2k18

Lesser Sibling changed their user to Let Space Dad Rest 2k18

Let Space Dad Rest 2k18: let space dad rest 2k18

The prodigal son: let space dad rest 2k18  
The prodigal son: i shouted at keith that he has to come out now, and he just slunk past me and into the kitchen with the most defeated look on his face  
The prodigal son: i just heard a very loud thump come from the roof, and then another out front, so im assuming acxa is either tearing shingles off and throwing them, or shes coming inside as well.  
The prodigal son: im gonna go make sure allura isnt permanently broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> much like allura and the grilled cheese, i dont know what happened here
> 
> this is a mess
> 
> i dont know what im writing, i hope its ok
> 
> oof


	6. RIP lance and space dad 2k18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uhhhhh idk
> 
> oh yea living arrangements are as goes-
> 
> Acxa, Keith, and Shiro have a small house that they all live in near their college  
> Hunk and Lance live together in an apartment  
> Pidge and Matt live together in an apartment  
> Shay lives with her brother (Rax, who's not in the story) in an apartment  
> Allura lives in her own apartment
> 
> They are all in college-
> 
> Shiro, Allura, and Matt are going into their senior year  
> Keith, Lance, Hunk, Shay, and Acxa are going into their junior year  
> Pidge is going into their sophomore year
> 
> Ages are-
> 
> Shiro: 26  
> Allura: 24  
> Matt: 24  
> Hunk: 21  
> Shay: 21  
> Acxa: 21  
> Keith: 20  
> Lance: 20  
> Pidge: 19
> 
> WARNINGS: a good deal of all caps for about the second half of The Ganes chat, as well as some at the end of the chapter in the main chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usernames-
> 
> Keith: I Have A Knife/The Baby  
> Lance: The prodigal son/Lance  
> Allura: i am mom, hear me weep  
> Acxa: The Middle  
> Pidge: pidgeon/fUCK  
> Shiro: space DEAD/The Oldest/Shiro The Hero  
> Matt: Let Space Dad Rest 2k18/Concerned Bro  
> Shay: Ethereal Beauty  
> Hunk: Gordon Ramsey

2:38 A.M. pidgeon to a disaster of the gays

pidgeon: did u guys know that thou is the informal term and you/ye is the formal term  
pidgeon: now in my mind every time i see thou, i read it as though its yall

[3:04 A.M.] The prodigal son to a disaster of the gays

The prodigal son: thou’d’ve  
The prodigal son: THAINT

Let Space Dad Rest 2k18: why the fuck did pidge just scream THAINT at the top of their lungs from the kitchen  
Let Space Dad Rest 2k18: oh. makes sense

The prodigal son: keith is currently giggling hysterically while repeating “romeo romeo wherefore art yall romeo” and it is the bEST THING

space DEAD: Pidge, you broke my brother.

pidgeon: wtf the fuck are u doing up right now  
pidgeon: ur space dad  
pidgeon: ur supposed to be the responsible one

space DEAD: Pidge, it’s not nice to stereotype.

pidgeon: oh thank fuck ur back

I Have A Knife: Lance, don’t fucking expose me  
I Have A Knife: read my user, asshole

The prodigal son: oh, whatre u gonna do?  
The prodigal son: stab me?

I Have A Knife: Yes.

Gordon Ramsey: No, youre not  
Gordon Ramsey: Youre frickin cuddling right now

Gordon Ramsey has sent (2) photos!

The prodigal son: h u n k dont fcukin expose us like thsi

Gordon Ramsey: thsi

space DEAD: thsi

pidgeon: thsi

I Have A Knife: thsi

The prodigal son: ok thats it  
The prodigal son: harass lance time is over  
The prodigal son: everyone here go tf to sleep  
The prodigal son: leave me to cuddle my boyf in peace

pidgeon: gayyyyyyyyy

space DEAD: Pidge.

Gordon Ramsey: oh shit its the dad voice

space DEAD: Hunk.

Gordon Ramsey: oh well would you look at the time i have to go right now goodnight

pidgeon: w e a k

space DEAD: Pidge, I have your parents on speed dial.

pidgeon: sHIT BYE

 

7:46 A.M. The Oldest to The Ganes

The Oldest: Keith, are you ever coming home

The Baby: No.

The Middle: Weak ass little fucker

The Baby: Go fuck yourself, asshole

The Middle: I will shank you with a butter knife, tiny cunt

The Baby: Not if I shank you first, bitch shit

The Oldest: O h m y g o d  
The Oldest: No one is shanking anyone!  
The Oldest: Keith, just because Acxa used your knife to cut onions is no reason to punch her in the face.  
The Oldest: Acxa, just because you were tired of Keith talking about Lance is no reason to use his knife without his permission. You know how important that knife is to him.  
The Oldest: Now PLEASE  
The Oldest: Stop trying to kill each other!

The Baby: ACXA STARTED IT

The Middle: I DID NOT

The Baby: YOU SO DID  
The Baby: I WOULDNT HAVE PUNCHED YOU IF YOU HADNT USED M Y K N I F E TO CUT FUCKING V E G E T A B L E S

The Middle: I WOULDNT HAVE USED YOUR KNIFE IF YOU HAD SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND  
The Middle: SOME OF US ARE FUCKING SINGLE

The Baby: THATS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT NOW IS IT

The Middle: FUCK YOU  
The Middle: YOURE DEAD AS SOON AS YOU STEP FOOT IN THIS HOUSE

The Baby: YOU CANT FUCKING KILL ME BITCH

The Oldest: You two are why I’m graying at 26.

 

8:03 A.M. Lance to Shiro The Hero

Lance: shiro pls kill acxa for me so keiths phone shuts the fuck up  
Lance: how do u live with the 2 of them together in one house  
Lance: i can barely stand them texting each other

Shiro The Hero: Patience.  
Shiro The Hero: Yields.  
Shiro The Hero: Focus.  
Shiro The Hero: And sometimes, sending them to their rooms works. But then I get two angry children furiously banging on the walls at each other from across the hall at two in the morning.

Lance: are..  
Lance: are u ok,,

Shiro The Hero: N o.

 

10:39 A.M. Ethereal Beauty to a disaster of the gays

Ethereal Beauty: I just realized that school starts back up in like,, 2 weeks and I’ve never wanted to cry more

Gordon Ramsey: Shay, I love you, but w h y t h e h e c k d i d y o u h a v e t o s a y t h a t

i am mom, hear me weep: I was having a good day. We were all having a good day.

The prodigal son: lol

Let Space Dad Rest 2k18: oh god  
Let Space Dad Rest 2k18: shiro, allura  
Let Space Dad Rest 2k18: we’re gonna be seniors

i am mom, hear me weep: Matt, you shut your whore mouth right now.

space DEAD: One day. I just want one day of peace. Why can I never get even one goddamn day?

I Have A Knife: oh my god were gonna be juniors

Ethereal Beauty: N O

Gordon Ramsey: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

The prodigal son: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH  
The prodigal son: ILLEGAL  
The prodigal son: CANCELED

pidgeon: oh my god im going to be a sophomore

pidgeon changed their user to fUCK

fUCK: fUCK

The prodigal son: our little pidgeon is growing up!

fUCK: lance, i will Not Hesitate to take out your kneecaps

The prodigal son: ha try me bitch

fUCK: u better watch out asshole  
fUCK: im coming for u

Let Space Dad Rest 2k18 changed their user to Concerned Bro

Concerned Bro: why tf did i just see pidge nyoom out of their room and out of the house  
Concerned Bro: oh thats why  
Concerned Bro: lol goodluck lance ur fucked

The prodigal son: nah ill be fine  
The prodigal son: SHIT THEY JUST FUCKIN APPEARED AT THE WINDOW AND ARE STARING AT ME  
The prodigal son: THEY DISAPPEARED WHERE DID THEY GO  
The prodigal son: KEITH FUCKING LET THEM IN  
The prodigal son: HE JUST GOT IN HIS CAR AND LEFT AND THEYRE IN THE HOUSE  
The prodigal son: SEND HELPFHinvjb sdbsk v  
The prodigal son: It Is Done.

i am mom, hear me weep: Pidge fucking killed him and stole his phone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SEASON SEVEN WAS A FUCKIN RIDE BITCHES
> 
> this story and its characters will not be changing
> 
> im trying to start at least having a semblance of organization? idk its still a giant mess


	7. whoop whoop time to die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the chat between pidge and lance is a real life chat that i actually just had with my friend  
> basically hey im romeo, im sixteen, and i never fuckin learned to do my work on time
> 
> ive been torturing my friend with VERY vague hints abt this chapter while writing it and lemme just say,,, yall are gonna hate me
> 
> WARNINGS: All caps at times, hospitalization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usernames-
> 
> Keith: mi alma/I Have A Knife/Keith  
> Lance: Tol bean/내 인생  
> Hunk: Hunk  
> Pidge: Smol bean/fUCK/Pidge  
> Allura: i am mom, hear me weep/Allura  
> Shiro: space DEAD/Shiro  
> Shay: Shay  
> Matt: Concerned Bro/Matt

3:41 P.M. 내 인생 to mi alma

내 인생: keeef

mi alma: hey lance

내 인생: keeeeef im bored  
내 인생: watre u up 2

mi alma: im working on my bike rn

내 인생: !!!!!  
내 인생: ur bike!!!

mi alma: ye  
mi alma: anyways  
mi alma: you said youre bored?

내 인생: ye  
내 인생: i mean,,, i should be working on my summer hw rn but nah

mi alma: oof  
mi alma: wasnt it supposed to be really hard and take all summer?

내 인생: YES  
내 인생: THERE ARE 50+ PAGES OF ASSIGNMENTS  
내 인생: PIDGE HAS BEEN DOING THE WORK ALL SUMMER AND STILL ISNT DONE  
내 인생: AND THEYRE A G E N I U S

[4:25 P.M.]  
mi alma: lance  
mi alma: why do you do this to yourself

내 인생: h a h a i d o n t k n o w

 

6:16 P.M. Tol bean to Smol bean

Tol bean: PIDGE

Smol bean: LANCE  
Smol bean: yes?  
Smol bean: sry, just got out of robotics club

Tol bean: p l e a s e tell me all of the hw is online and i just havent seen it

Smol bean: it is all online  
Smol bean: at least,, it was earlier today when i checked?

Tol bean: w h e r e

Smol bean: hold up lemme get home and ill check

Tol bean: i m s o f u c k e d

Smol bean: ok so u should have ur verb packet, but the link for the listening and the instructions are online as well as the readings

Smol bean has sent (1) photo!

Smol bean: thats all u need

Tol bean: i l o s t t h e p a c k e t  
Tol bean: t h a t i s w h y i n e e d i t o n l i n e

Smol bean: i t i s n t t h e r e

Tol bean: f u c k

Smol bean: ok idea  
Smol bean: ill finish mine 2morrow and then u can have it  
Smol bean: cuz im doing my work in a notebook

Tol bean: wait s e r i o u s ly???

Smol bean: meet up at class registration early and ill give it to u  
Smol bean: i helped u with ur hw last year so i dont see why it should change this year  
Smol bean: and there is a f u c k t o n of work

Tol bean: OH MY GOD PIDGE I LOVE YOU UR MY SAVIOR A HERO AMONGST MERE MORTALS YOU ARE A BLESSING TO THE WORLD

Smol bean: yea yea

Tol bean: I LOVE YOU

Smol bean: ok ok calm down before u end up in the hospital again

Tol bean: hhhh im calm im calm

 

7:05 P.M. mi alma to 내 인생

mi alma: can i spend the night @ urs tonight

[7:37 P.M.]  
mi alma: lance?

 

7:51 P.M. I Have A Knife to a disaster of the gays

I Have A Knife: uhhh have any of you heard from lance in the last 2 hours?

fUCK: he and i were chatting at abt 6:20 but i havent heard from him since  
fUCK: why?

I Have A Knife: i messaged him almost an hour ago and it shows that he hasnt even read my message

space DEAD: I’m sure he’s fine, Keith.

Concerned Bro: dont u worry ur gay little head over ur bi little bf  
Concerned Bro: hes prob just @ dinner or smth

i am mom, hear me weep changed their user to Allura  
Allura changed Concerned Bro’s user to Matt  
Allura changed fUCK’s user to Pidge  
Allura changed space DEAD’s user to Shiro  
Allura changed Gordon Ramsey’s user to Hunk  
Allura changed Ethereal Beauty’s user to Shay  
Allura changed I Have A Knife’s user to Keith

Pidge: i feel so exposed rn

Matt: allura, how could u do something so brave yet so controversial

Allura: Hunk and I are both with the McClain’s right now.  
Allura: Rosa called us about half an hour ago.

Shiro: What’s going on?

Pidge: Allura, did it happen again?

Allura: …

Pidge: Allura, where are you guys right now

Allura: The hospital.

Shiro: What??

Keith: What happened???

Shay: Oh my goodness what’s going on?

Pidge: Matt and I are on our way right now.  
Pidge: status update

Allura: collapse about forty minutes ago.  
Allura: admitted to hospital about 30 minutes ago.  
Allura: doctors currently attempting to bring him back to normal levels.

Pidge: mental health

Allura: Older McClain’s are fairly upbeat considering. Most likely putting on facades for the others.  
Allura: Coral and Eder are scared.  
Allura: Luz and Lucio havent left him since arriving.  
Allura: Hunk had a minor panic attack, Mari and Ricardo helped him.  
Allura: Currently trying to get my own fear under control. I know he’ll be okay. He’ll bounce back. He always has before.

Pidge: Room number. Almost there.

Allura: 117, ICU.

Keith: What the fucking hell is happening  
Keith: What the fuck happened to my fucking boyfriend

Allura: …Lance has a heart condition where he was born with an abnormally weak heart. If he gets too worked up, his heart will quickly become unable to keep up with the heightened adrenaline levels and will quite literally shut down. And everyone knows the body can’t function without the heart. Due to this condition, Lance spent much of his childhood in and out of the hospital. As he got older, he learned how to control his emotions better and hasn’t been hospitalized in several years. The last time was the worst. He was hospitalized for a month after an extremely bad panic attack. That was about six years ago.

Shay: Oh my god….

Keith: Shiro and I are almost at the hospital.

Allura: Pidge and Matt arrived 5 minutes ago.

Keith: We’re here. I’m coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhh im sorry
> 
> kinda


	8. Keith is a caring boyf, Lance deserves a spa day after this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> basically just the title of the chapter
> 
> no angst, just fluff
> 
> warning for moments of all caps but nothing major so yall should be ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usernames-
> 
> Keith: The Baby/A Relieved Boyf/mi alma/Son-in-law  
> Lance: 내 인생/An Alive Asshole Who Needs To Learn To Ask For Help Instead Of Having A Panic Attack Alone/I LIVED, BITCHES/dont ever scare us like that again/sharkboi/Chocolate  
> Shiro: Shiro/The Oldest/Daddy/shrio  
> Allura: Allura/queen/Caramel  
> Pidge: Pidge/Smaller Matt  
> Hunk: Hunk/Hunk-of-love/Mother Earth  
> Shay: Shay/ShiningGem/Shea Butter  
> Mrs. McClain: I am your mother  
> Acxa: The Middle  
> Matt: Matt/Larger Pidge

10:34 A.M. The Middle to The Ganes

The Middle: Keith, when are you coming back  
The Middle: you’ve been living at the hospital for t w o d a y s

The Baby: fuck off acxa  
The Baby: Ill leave when i know hes going to be okay  
The Baby: i cant lose him

The Oldest: We know, Keith.  
The Oldest: But do you really think Lance would want you to be doing this to yourself?  
The Oldest: Sitting there every day, worrying about him, neglecting your physical and mental health?

The Baby: I cant leave him shiro  
The Baby: i cant afford to lose him  
The Baby: and im scared that if I turn away from him for even a moment then hes going to be gone

The Middle: Keith im bringing you a change of clothes  
The Middle: Ezor is coming with me, i hope thats ok

The Baby: yeah sure  
The Baby: whatever

 

12:45 P.M. mi alma to 내 인생

mi alma: lance, please wake up soon  
mi alma: we all miss you a lot  
mi alma: your siblings and family and the entire gc are all so worried for you  
mi alma: hunk is talking about how hes going to bake you every sugary treat you could think of once you wake up  
mi alma: pidge has argued with so many of the doctors here that theyre all scared to look at them which is kinda funny  
mi alma: you have to wake up  
mi alma: i love you, 내 인생  
mi alma: my sunshine boy  
mi alma: please come back to me

[1:13 A.M.]  
내 인생: i love you too, mi alma. My moonlight love.

내 인생: i will never leave you. Now and forever, i am yours.

mi alma: lance!

내 인생: sorry, i cant speak really well rn

mi alma: its ok  
mi alma: its ok, all i need is for you to be ok  
mi alma: im going to tell your mom youre awake

 

1:15 A.M. Son-in-law to I am your mother

Son-in-law: hes awake

I am your mother: coming  
I am your mother: thank you for being there, keith

Son-in-law: its no problem, mrs mcclain

I am your mother: Keith.

Son-in-law: right. Mama mcclain

I am your mother: get some sleep, keith. We’ll be there soon

 

7:08 A.M. Keith to a disaster of the gays

Keith changed their user to A Relieved Boyf  
Keith changed The prodigal son’s name to An Alive Asshole Who Needs To Learn To Ask For Help Instead Of Having A Panic Attack Alone

Pidge: damn, keith is salty

Allura: Lance is okay?? He’s awake???

A Relieved Boyf: he woke up at about 1:15 in the morning

Hunk: Oh thank god. My moms were threatening to confiscate my oven mitts if i stress baked anymore cookies.

An Alive Asshole Who Needs To Learn To Ask For Help Instead Of Having A Panic Attack Alone changed their user to I LIVED, BITCHES

I LIVED, BITCHES: sup

Hunk: LANCE

Pidge: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Matt: my meme friend is back!!!

Shiro: Lance, you’re awake! Keith, get your butt home n o w.

Allura changed I LIVED, BITCHES’s user to dont ever scare us like that again

dont ever scare us like that again: oof im sorry lura  
dont ever scare us like that again: did u guys end up using SMHWIH

Allura: yES  
Allura: aLEJANDRO MCCLAIN DONT YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN

Shay: Welcome back, lance!

Keith: what’s SMHWIH

Allura: Oh it’s a system pidge, hunk, and i developed around the second or third time lance was hospitalized  
Allura: It stands for Sustain Mental Health While In Hospital  
Allura: It’s basically just a system we created where we’d watch each others mental health, and if any of us started spiraling, we’d use pre-established methods to aid each other.

Pidge: we’ve only had to use it a few times  
Pidge: anyways lance when are u getting released?

dont ever scare us like that again: the doctor said i have to stay in the hospital for another two days, but just to make sure im totally stabilized

Hunk: Lance ill make sure to bring you lots of cookies

Pidge: ill be coming with hunk

Allura: As will I

Shiro: We’re all so gald you’re okay, Lance.

dont ever scare us like that again: gald

Pidge: gald

Hunk: gald

Shay: gald

Allura: gald

Keith: gald

Matt: gald

dont ever scare us like that again: ok this has been vv heartwarming but ur users are freaking me out now

dont ever scare us like that again changed Hunk’s user to Hunk-of-love  
dont ever scare us like that again changed Shay’s user to ShiningGem  
dont ever scare us like that again changed Shiro’s user to Daddy

Daddy changed their user to Shrio  
Daddy changed their user to Shiro

Keith changed Shiro’s user to shrio

dont ever scare us like that again changed Keith’s user to cutest mulletboi  
dont ever scare us like that again changed Pidge’s user to Smaller Matt  
dont ever scare us like that again changed Matt’s user to Larger Pidge  
dont ever scare us like that again changed Allura’s user to queen  
dont ever scare us like that again changed their user to sharkboi

sharkboi: shiro, ur no fun

 

2:14 P.M. Chocolate to The Beautiful Browns

Chocolate: im demanding an emergency spa day when im released bc i just looked in the mirror and d a m n  
Chocolate: i need my routine back. i dont even have any of my shti here

Mother Earth: don’t worry bro we got you

Shea Butter: Lance, how do you have so much skin care stuff????  
Shea Butter: Its so expensive, what is your secret

Chocolate: a wise man never reveals his secrets  
Chocolate: and lucky for u guys im not wise

Shea Butter: Lance!

Mother Earth: Lance, you take that back right now or so help me

Caramel: Alejandro McClain, don’t make me tell your mother what you’re saying!

Chocolate: ok ok!  
Chocolate: n e ways  
Chocolate: luz works at lush, so she gets me face shit  
Chocolate: and lucio and i work at sephora so we get makeup shit

Mother Earth: Since when do you work at sephora

Chocolate: uhhh since like,,, two weeks ago?

Caramel: Laaaance?

Shea Butter: Laaaance?

Chocolate: Alluuuura  
Chocolate: Shaaaay  
Chocolate: yes, ill get u guys some new makeup just tell me what u want

Caramel: Lance, have I ever told you how much I love you

 

2:23 P.M. queen to a disaster of the gays

queen: Alejandro McClain is a blessing upon this world, he is wonderful

[2:37 P.M.]  
Smaller Matt: ,,what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here yall go
> 
> fluffy shit to make up for the last chapter
> 
> im still not sorry about that
> 
> you can all blame my friend bc shes the one that encouraged me to end the chapter at that moment so yeah


	9. The Author Needs To Stop Projecting On Lance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The author does not stop projecting on lance
> 
> uhhhhh idk what else
> 
> gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usernames-  
> Keith: cutest mulletboi/The Baby/mi alma  
> Shiro: shrio/The Oldest  
> Acxa: The Middle  
> Shay: ShiningGem  
> Matt: Larger Pidge  
> Allura: queen  
> Hunk: Hunk-of-love  
> Lance: sharkboi/내 인생  
> Pidge: Smaller Matt

1:51 A.M. cutest mulletboi to a disaster of the gays

cutest mulletboi: do you ever just wonder like,  
cutest mulletboi: why we’re all here?  
cutest mulletboi: like, how did we get here? To this very moment? if there was even the slightest difference in history, then we may never have all met.thats so weird to think about  
cutest mulletboi: if two people had met five minutes later, or five minutes earlier, then our lives may have been completely different

sharkboi: keith, babe, i love you, but please for everyones sake, come back to bed and go the FUCK to sleep  
sharkboi: it is two in the fucking morning, stop having a fucking existential crisis in my bathroom  
sharkboi: i dont need coral or eder to be exposed to ur existential ass in the middle of the goddamn night

cutest mulletboi: hhhhh fiiiiiiiine

 

[8:27 A.M.]  
Smaller Matt: keith u emo fuck  
Smaller Matt: i did not need to be questioning my existence immediately upon waking up

queen: Keith, are you alright?

shrio: Keith, how are you at Lance’s?  
shrio: I grounded you two days ago.

sharkboi: YOU CANT KEEP ME FROM MY ONE TRUE LOVE SHIRO  
sharkboi: LOVE WILL ALWAYS PREVAIL

shrio: You snuck him out his bedroom window again, didn’t you?

sharkboi: …

ShiningGem: Lance

sharkboi: Shay, the most beautiful goddess of earthen beauty, always so grounded and down-to-earth as your eyes sparkle with the depths of the rich golds buried deep within the earth’s crust- imagine if u were separated from the love of ur life, the wonderful hunk

ShiningGem: Understood, carry on

queen: Hey! I thought I was a beautiful goddess?

sharkboi: Allura, my queen, the most ravishing goddess of love, your heart open to all as your laugh brings joy to even the most gloomiest of them all (keith), its and your beauty shining with your pure love

queen: ...this is acceptable

Smaller Matt: lol

sharkboi: Pidge, the most ethereal being of intelligence, your keen mind and sharp wit always keeping those around you on their toes as you jump from one adventure to the next as your smile shines with your glittering intelligence

Smaller Matt: hhh stop making us feel things u ass

sharkboi: NEVER  
sharkboi: my love for u all overflows and i cannot contain it  
sharkboi: i simply MUST share my love for you all with the world!

Hunk-of-love: buddy, you good there?

cutest mulletboi: he’s fine, he’s just kinda sleep deprived (my fault), and he is experiencing s e r i o u s drama class withdrawal  
cutest mulletboi: and yeah yeah im coming back shiro. I left lances house a little bit ago

Larger Pidge: and why is our beautiful lancey lance sleep depreived e x a c t l y, keith? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

cutest mulletboi: depreived

Smaller Matt: depreived

Hunk-of-love: depreived

queen: depreived

ShiningGem: depreived

shrio: depreived

Larger Pidge: dead to me, all of you

Smaller Matt: yeah well at least MOST of us werent ~doin stuff~ last night  
Smaller Matt: *side eye emoji*

Hunk-of-love: stop,,, stop typing it out,,,,,

Smaller Matt: NEVER

sharkboi: ahsbf vld jhgfdsa

 

8:49 A.M. mi alma to 내 인생

mi alma: lance  
mi alma: whats wrong

내 인생: is nthign  
내 인생: jst  
내 인생: cna yuo come bck

mi alma: im coming  
mi alma: hold lance  
mi alma: ill be there soon

 

8:54 A.M. The Baby to The Ganes

The Baby: change of plans, not coming back yet.

The Middle: oh for fucks sake  
The Middle: WE GET IT  
The Middle: YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND

The Oldest: Keith, you are grounded. You were never supposed to have left in the first place. Come back.

The Baby: i cant. Lance needs support. Mental health. Ill come back later.

The Oldest: …  
The Oldest: Okay.

The Baby: muting chats now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear, someday there's going to be an actual plot and im going to stop projecting on lance.  
> today is not that day.
> 
> im sorry for the wait! hope yall enjoy this little chapter as a sort of apology for disappearing. i went to canada for a while, and i just finished my first week back at school and im already falling behind on homework (i wrote this to procrastinate even longer on the homework that's already late)
> 
> this chapter will continue into the next, i am starting a very tiny minor story arc here but hhh idk what im doing


	10. Luz is a disaster lesbian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uhhhh here?
> 
> I normally have lance's user copied bc its in a different language, so i tried to paste it in the username section and i fucking pasted the e n t i r e f u c k i n g c h a p t e r and spent five minutes having to delete the entire thing and crying
> 
> i also freakin forgot my own formatting style for a while so uhhh if anything is different or weird then its not my fault, blame my shit memory  
> this time on keeping up with the mcclains-
> 
> Warning: lance has a little bit of negative self-talk at the beginning but its nothing major

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usernames-
> 
> Keith: mi alma/new bro  
> Lance: 내 인생/Lancelot  
> Mrs. McClain: Mother Dearest  
> Luz: will murder if prompted/luvely  
> Lucio: Lucious  
> Eder: eeeed  
> Coral: Coral Under The Sea  
> Marisela: Mari Me  
> Ricardo: Ric roll

9:38 A.M. 내 인생 to mi alma

내 인생: thank you for staying, keith  
내 인생: im sorry for being such a nuisance

[9:50 A.M.]  
내 인생: keith youve been typing furiously for the last 12 minutes wtf are you doing

mi alma: no no no you stop that right now. you are anything but a nuisance. god i wouldnt even know what to do with myself if you werent in my life. Trust me. Hunk may not be pursuing his dream of becoming a professional chef because he wouldnt have had you pushing him along all these years. Allura probably never would have met any of us because its you who introduced her to us. Shiro would still be struggling with his ptsd alone because he wouldnt have had you to convince him to open up about it. Pidge may never have left their room and become friends with everyone else if it wasnt for you physically dragging them with you everywhere. Coran wouldnt have ever met his favorite nephew (spoiler alert, its you). Shay and hunk may never have started dating if it wasnt for you introducing them to each other and then proceeding to help hunk plan how to ask her out for months. I would still be a loner who gets in daily fights and stays out late and skips school and has no friends because you were the one to approach me that one day in freshman year and, as infuriating as it seemed at the time, you refused to leave me alone and because of that im now where i am in my life. Exactly where i want to be. I have friends, im still in school, i have the most wonderful loving caring accepting understanding boyfriend and a second family.  
mi alma: you are the love of my life, lance. I wouldnt have you any other way than you are now. My beautiful sun.

내 인생: shit im crying now you ass  
내 인생: i thought i was done crying for the day

mi alma: ha i can see you crying  
mi alma: hold on

 

9: 53 A.M. new bro to will murder if prompted

new bro: luz, can you bring lance some tissues  
new bro: and also his favorite kind of hot chocolate

will murder if prompted: goddammit Keith  
will murder if prompted: I let you in this house to cheer my brother up, not make him cry more

new bro: i didnt hurt him!  
new bro: hhh just bring the shit

will murder if prompted: yeah yeah I’m coming  
will murder if prompted: okay so about that

new bro: it has been 3 minutes what the fuck did you do

will murder if prompted: I didn’t do anything!  
will murder if prompted: we’re just out of marshmallows  
will murder if prompted: and sprinkles  
will murder if prompted: and cinnamon sticks

new bro: gdi luz

will murder if prompted: and hot chocolate

new bro: GDI LUZ

will murder if prompted: it’s okay!  
will murder if prompted: I’ll just ask if anyone can pick up the stuff rn

new bro: ffs

 

9:59 A.M. luvely to McClaimed McClains

luvely: hi okay so I promised Keith I’d make Lance his favorite hot chocolate but ha ha whoops I didn’t restock… anything after the last time

Lucious: Goddammit Luz

Mari Me: Luz, why

Ric roll: Luz no

eeeed: oh my fuck luz ur such a disaster

Coral Under The Sea: language, eder

eeeed: gASP  
eeeed: mY OWN LITTLE SISTER  
eeeed: hOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THIS

Mari Me: Okay, so Eder is banned from spending any more time with Lance

Lancelot: hey! I take offense to that!

Lucious: Lurker

Lancelot: fight me lucio

Lucious: Let’s fcukin go, Lance

Mother Dearest: Lance, Lucio no fighting.  
Mother Dearest: Lucio, Eder no swearing.  
Mother Dearest: Luz, don’t let this happen again.

luvely: yeah, I won’t  
luvely: anyways uhhhh can anyone pick the shit up from the store

Mother Dearest: Luz.

luvely: anyways uhhhh can anyone pick the stuff up from the store

Mother Dearest: Lucio and Eder will go

Lucious: What? Why us?

eeeed: i dont want to be stuck with lucio though!

Mother Dearest: You two will go and get the ingredients necessary to help you brother feel better. Am I understood?

eeeed: yes mama

Lucious: Yes, mama

Mother Dearest: Good

Coral Under The Sea: whipped

Mari Me: Whipped

Coral Under The Sea: gASP drift

Mari Me: gASP drift

Lucious: ...no

eeeed: aaaand thats my cue to duck out

luvely: ha ha quack

Lucious: Nope bye I’m out

Coral Under The Sea: luz,,, why

Mari Me: I am ashamed to be related to you

Ric roll: Luz no

Mother Dearest: Luz, honey, no

luvely: buzzkills, every one of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhh okay so this was just kinda a short chapter and theres going to be more explanation next chapter i guess
> 
> (is there a plot here???)  
> (i dont know and im the fcukin author)


	11. I am really really sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ WARNINGS PLEASE
> 
> WARNINGS: past rape/non-con mentioned, ptsd, sexual abuse mentioned
> 
> If you are not comfortable reading about these things, please stop reading at "ok here goes." at the beginning of lance's paragraph in the group chat. It is safe to resume reading at "shrio: Shit."
> 
> I will post a summary of the entire chapter in the end notes for anyone who skips this chapter.
> 
> I'm so sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usernames-
> 
> Keith: cutest mulletboi/new bro  
> Shiro: shrio/Muscle Man  
> Allura: queen  
> Pidge: Smaller Matt/birb  
> Hunk: Hunk-of-love/Strong boi  
> Matt: Larger Pidge/noodle 1  
> Shay: ShiningGem  
> Coran: weird uncle  
> Lance: sharkboi/Too skinny/Disaster bi/bean/Lance/noodle 2  
> Mrs. McClain: Mother Dearest  
> Coral: Coral Under The Sea  
> Eder: eeeed  
> Maristela: Mari Me  
> Ricardo: Ric roll  
> Lucio: Lucious/Functional ace  
> Luz: will murder if prompted/luvely/Disaster plesbian

12:21 P.M. Strong boi to Too skinny

Strong boi: Lance buddy, how are you  
Strong boi: i noticed you dropped out in the groupchat  
Strong boi: sorry for not checking in sooner

Too skinny: its ok hunk  
Too skinny: keith is here and he has been helping me

Strong boi: that’s good  
Strong boi: does he know?

Too skinny: ,,,,,,,not ex,,actly,,,,,

Strong boi: Lance.  
Strong boi: He is your boyfriend. Im not saying you have to tell him everything, but at least s o m e t h i n g to explain  
Strong boi: also allura and pidge are really worried about you  
Strong boi: i mean, the entire group is really worried, those two just know what happened so they’re worried for a kinda different reason

Too skinny: i think ill explain it in the chat  
Too skinny: all of it

Strong boi: all of it? Are you sure?

Too skinny: yeah…  
Too skinny: just…  
Too skinny: if it gets too much and i cant finish

Strong boi: i got you buddy

Too skinny: u are a blessing

 

12:35 P.M. cutest mulletboi to a disaster of the gays

cutest mulletboi: roll call

Smaller Matt: ?? why  
Smaller Matt: pidge here

queen: Allura here

Hunk-of-love: hunk here  
Hunk-of-love: its for lance, pidge

shrio: Shiro here  
shrio: Is he okay?

ShiningGem: Shay here

Larger Pidge: matt here

sharkboi: lance here

cutest mulletboi: ok everyone shut up for a little bit because lance said he wants to explain why he disappeared this morning. And why his mental health hit a sudden drop.

Smaller Matt: oh shit  
Smaller Matt: hunk, are u sure?

Hunk-of-love: im prepared to take over if he needs me to, but he said he wanted to explain. All of it.

queen: Shit.

sharkboi: ok here goes. As a precursor, this is nothing against any of you, do not feel bad, do not offer pity, i am just explaining why i disappeared this morning. And also probably a lot of my actions in the past. Okay. i had a boyfriend. Allura pidge and hunk knew him. This was back in middle school, before i really knew the rest of you. He started out as one of my friends. I really liked him. Eventually, he asked me out and i said yes. He was one of the most important people in my life, and he quickly became the singular most important person in my life. He would always call me lancey-lance. That was /his/ petname for me. Soon, i stopped hanging out with hunk and pidge and allura as much and i started spending all my time with him. Hanging out turned into making out when he started pinning me to the couch and shoving his tongue down my throat. Making out soon turned into him… wanting more. Hed touch me and shit whenever he wanted. I let him.  
sharkboi: hunnk

Hunk-of-love: i got you bud  
Hunk-of-love: pidge allura and i never really liked this guy from the start, but we didn’t tell lance that and i swear i regret that to this day. Only when we stopped seeing lance altogether did we truly become worried. I tried calling him and texting him and going over to his house but he was never there, he never picked up, and he never texted back. He just disappeared. Until one night at one in the morning my moms woke me up and said that lance had shown up and that he was crying and refusing to talk to them and he was sitting in the living room. So i went to talk to him, and i found not my best friend, but just an empty shell of him sitting on my couch curled in on himself and dry heaving. I let him stay in my room with me, but he refused to share my bed as we had always done before. He stayed with me for several days, refusing to talk or move or eat unless we forced him to. Eventually i got him to start responding to yes or no questions with a nod or shake of his head. Was he okay- no. did he want a hug- no. was he okay with me touching him- maybe. Was he okay with others touching him- absolutely not. Did something bad happen with his boyfriend- yes. It took a lot of time, but i got him to say one phrase. “He stuck it down my throat”. Yes, the “it” is what you think it is. God, i have never wanted to kill somebody as much as i wanted to kill that guy. I wanted to kill him for what he had done to my best friend, my brother. But lance wouldnt let me. And he wouldnt let pidge. And he wouldnt let allura. And to this day, if anyone calls him “lancey-lance” or insinuates that he’s engaging in anything sexual, it triggers his ptsd.

shrio: Shit.

Larger Pidge: oh my god lance im so sorry  
Larger Pidge: i didnt know and im so sorry

Smaller Matt: i knew and lance im so sorry for continuing the joke i shouldve known better

ShiningGem: Lance, im so sorry. You never should have had to go through anything like that.  
ShiningGem: Hunk and I are making you what he calls “Lance’s Special Feel Good Cookies”

weird uncle: Hello All!  
weird uncle: Oh, I See I Have Arrived At A Bad Time.  
weird uncle: Lance, My Boy, You Have Always Been Like A Son To Me. I Am So Sorry You Ever Had To Go Through Anything Like That.  
weird uncle: I Am Still Working On A… Not Illegal Method For Revenge.  
weird uncle: Allura Keeps Shooting Down My Ideas.

queen: That’s because every single one of them has the risk of AT LEAST one of us getting arrested!  
queen: Lance, I just got a bunch of new self care things. I’ll give them to you once you’re ready to talk.

sharkboi: thanks you guys.

 

12:52 P.M. will murder if prompted to new bro

will murder if prompted: keith.  
will murder if prompted: why is my brother still crying, keith

new bro: he talked about… his past.

will murder if prompted: fuck

 

12:54 P.M. luvely to McClaimed McClains

luvely: code blue

eeeed: is lance okay

luvely: ...hes got some stuff going on right now.  
luvely: hell be okay  
luvely: lucio i need to see you in my room  
luvely: right now.

Lucious: Omw

Coral Under The Sea: what’s a code blue?

Mari Me: It’s nothing you need to worry about right now, Coral  
Mari Me: Hey, how about you and I go and get some ice cream  
Mari Me: Ricardo will come with as well

Ric roll: I am here and ready to go

Mother Dearest: While you three are out, we need ingredients for empanadas

Coral Under The Sea: aren’t empanadas lance’s favorite food?

Mother Dearest: Yes.

 

1:00 P.M. Disaster plesbian to 2 Disasters and a Functional

Disaster plesbian: hey lance

Functional ace: did you know

Disaster plesbian: that you

Functional ace: are our

Disaster plesbian: favorite

Functional ace: brother

Disaster plesbian: We

Functional ace: Love

Disaster plesbian: You

Disaster bi: hhh i love u guys too  
Disaster bi: thanks for being the best siblings

 

1:06 P.M. birb to bean:

birb: lance  
birb: im really sorry  
birb: i shouldve known better  
birb: i shouldve made matt stop, i shouldnt have joined in, i shouldve checked in on you sooner

bean: hey hey pidge its okay  
bean: im not mad at you  
bean: it was bound to come out sooner or later  
bean: im just glad you were there for me when It happened, and that i know youre still here for me now

birb: youre too forgiving, asshole

bean: i could never be mad at my favorite younger sibling ;*

birb: ill tell eder you called me your fave sibling and not him

bean: u wouldnt dare

birb: try me bitch

bean: love u pidgeon

birb: love u too lance

 

1:11 P.M. Muscle Man to Lance

Muscle Man: Lance, I am so sorry for what you went through  
Muscle Man: No one should ever have to go through something like that  
Muscle Man: Especially not you

Lance: thanks shiro  
Lance: im ok though  
Lance: i made it out  
Lance: thats what matters

Muscle Man: You are strong, Lance

Lance: gASP Takashi Shirogane complimented me!

Muscle Man: s i g h

 

1:14 P.M. noodle 1 to noodle 2

noodle 1: lance im so so so sorry

noodle 2: its ok, matt  
noodle 2: really  
noodle 2: im not upset

noodle 1: you have every right to be upset though  
noodle 1: i remember that time  
noodle 1: i didnt know what was going on because pidge never told me  
noodle 1: but i knew that something bad had happened because they were always so worried about you  
noodle 1: and i remember the first panic attack i ever saw you have after i used… that nickname again  
noodle 1: so im sorry. Im really really really sorry

noodle 2: its okay matt  
noodle 2: youre my meme bro  
noodle 2: the fellow older bro of a tiny gremlin  
noodle 2: my memer-in-arms  
noodle 2: i will never ever be upset with you  
noodle 2: i just want memey matt back

noodle 1: youre too forgiving for your own good

noodle 2: yeah  
noodle 2: but u love me

noodle 1: i hate u

noodle 2: nah u loooove me

noodle 1: debatable

noodle 2: youuuuuuuuuuuu  
noodle 2: loooooooooooooove  
noodle 2: meeeeeeeeeeeeee

noodle 1: hhhhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhh i guesssss

noodle 2: hA VICTORY  
noodle 2: bitch

noodle 1: bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUMMARY-
> 
> Continuing in from previous chapters, Hunk checked in on Lance since Lance had dropped out in the main group chat earlier on. During their chat, Lance talks about how Keith is there and helping him (with his mental health). Hunk asks if Keith knows what caused Lance's mental health to plummet, and Lance says no. Hunk then tells him that everyone noticed his disappearance and were all worried about him. Lance replies by stating that he would explain his disappearance to the group chat, to which Hunk expresses concern but Lance is certain.
> 
> Everyone is called to the group chat by Keith whom Lance had asked to help him, and everyone is concerned as to what is going on. Lance then comes in and begins to explain. He describes how he had a friend who had asked him out and they began dating. The relationship quickly turned toxic, Lance began shutting Hunk, Pidge, and Allura out, and becoming more reliant on his boyfriend. Lance begins to talk about his partner forcing him into making out, and then can't continue so Hunk picks up the story for him.
> 
> Hunk talks about how he, Pidge and Allura were all concerned for Lance during his time in this relationship but none of them said anything because they felt it wasn't their place. He talks about how eventually, Lance had arrived at his house one night, refusing to talk and crying. Lance had stayed with Hunk for several days, refusing to speak a word or move an inch, or even eat without being forced to. He also refused to share Hunk's bed with him despite them always having shared a bed before. After a while, Hunk begins to get Lance to respond to yes or no questions with a shake or nod of his head, and this way is how he finds out that Lance's boyfriend had forced Lance to engage in oral intercourse. Due to this relationship, Lance now suffers from PTSD, which can be triggered by people insinuating that he's engaging in sexual actions or people calling him the name "Lancey Lance" which had been his boyfriend's petname for him.
> 
> After this is all revealed, everyone expresses their love and care for Lance. Luz messages Keith to call him out on the fact that Lance is still crying and Keith tells her that Lance had been talking about his past. Luz messages the McClain family group chat to declare it a "code blue". She and Lucio message Lance in their private group chat expressing their love for him. Shiro, Pidge, and Matt all private message Lance to tell him that they care- in their own ways.
> 
>  
> 
> I AM SO SORRY  
> I'm sorry this chapter is so late (school is killing me)  
> I'm sorry this chapter is so angsty (I didn't mean it to happen)  
> I'm sorry!!!  
> I hope you guys don't come after me with pitchforks after reading this, though I completely understand if you do


	12. They're all fuckin insane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uhh what the fuck happened here?  
> idfk
> 
> WARNING:
> 
> all caps typing at several points throughout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usernames-
> 
> Keith: cutest mulletboi/EAT SHIT/The Baby/The Actual Middle/KeithKogane/Keith/Emo Emu/SHIRO IS SIX/KEEF LUVS CHOMPY  
> Shiro: shrio/The Oldest/The Actual Baby/I AM OLDER/ACTUAL SIX YEAR OLD  
> Matt: Larger Pidge/MatthewHolt/MATTRESS  
> Coran: weird uncle  
> Acxa: The Middle/The Actual Oldest/AcxaKogane/ACXA IS QUEEN FUCK SHIRO AND KEITH  
> Allura: queen/AlluraAltea/goddess  
> Pidge: Smaller Matt/KatieHolt/PenutButer  
> Lance: sharkboi  
> Hunk: Hunk-of-love/HunkGarrett/GoldenBoi  
> Shay: ShiningGem

3:00 P.M. disaster of the gays

Smaller Matt has been removed from the chat!

shrio: Okay, who blocked Pidge?

Larger Pidge: I WILL AVENGE YOU MY SIBLING  
Larger Pidge: IT WAS

Larger Pidge has been removed from the chat!

sharkboi: ok wtf the fuck is happening rn

queen: Hes being a tyrant, that’s what

queen has been removed from the chat!

sharkboi: ?????????  
sharkboi: whos being a tyrant????????  
sharkboi: WHAT IS GOING ON

cutest mulletboi: HUNK BLOCKED PIDGE BECAUSE THEY SAID WE ARE INSIDE OF OUR SKELETONS AND NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND BECAUSE WE ARE JUST BRAINS IN A BONE CAGE IN A MEAT CAGE AND HUNK DIDNT LIKE THAT SO HE BLOCKED THEM AND THEN MATT AGREED WITH THEM AND THEN TRIED TO EXPOSE HUNK SO HUNK BLOCKED HIM AND THEN ALLURA ALSO ALMOST EXPOSED HIM SO HE BLOCKED HER AND HES GOING TO COME FOR ME NEXT SAVE YOURSELVES AND LONG LIVE THE SKELETON CAGES

Hunk-of-love: You shouldn’t have done that, Keith.

cutest mulletboi: WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED  
cutest mulletboi: VIVA LA REVOLUTION

sharkboi: ok i just got to the gane household and ???? everyone here is insane  
sharkboi: Hunk is furiously chasing keith in circles around and around the entirety of the house, pidge is laying on the sidewalk repeating ‘bone cage meat cage’ over and over again, matt is literally hanging halfway out of shiros second story bedroom window and cackling, allura is threatening to call the british army to kill hunk, and acxa is sitting on the roof (like always) and im pretty sure shes eating either tide pods or blackberries and with her i honestly cant tell and am too scared to ask  
sharkboi: shiro what the fuck is wrong with ur family

shrio: Goddammit.  
shrio: Okay. Patience yields focus. Patience yields focus.

cutest mulletboi has changed their name to EAT SHIT

EAT SHIT: YOU CANT CATCH ME HUNK

Hunk-of-love: KEITH GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW WHERE DID YOU EVEN GO

EAT SHIT: FUCK U HUNK

EAT SHIT has been removed from the chat!

shrio: Patience. Yields. Focus.  
shrio: Lance, can you please get Acxa off the roof? And make sure Pidge is alright? And drag Matt’s ass back inside before he falls and hurts himself? And possibly get Hunk and Keith to not kill each other? And I don’t know what to do about Allura.

sharkboi: oof ill do my best  
sharkboi: @ShiningGem shay babe would you be oh so willing to come and get your boyfriend the fuck under control

ShiningGem: Oh my. Yeah, I’ll be right there! Give me like ten min

 

3:20 P.M. The Oldest to The Ganes

The Oldest: ACXA GET OFF THE ROOF THIS INSTANT  
The Oldest: KEITH STOP INTENTIONALLY INFURIATING HUNK

The Middle: YOU CANT STOP ME YOURE NOT MY PARENT

The Baby: OUR PARENTS ARE DEAD SHIRO SO FUCK U WERE GONNA DO WHAT WE WANT

The Middle: YEAH FUK U

The Oldest: You two are why I’m going gray at 26

The Middle: actually, youre 6, so stfu

The Baby changed The Oldest’s user to The Actual Baby  
The Baby changed The Middle’s user to The Actual Oldest  
The Baby changed their user to The Actual Middle

The Actual Middle: U CANT CONTROL US SHIRO

The Actual Baby: I hate you both.

 

3:55 P.M. ShiningGem to a disaster of the gays

ShiningGem: Shiro, we love you, but what the hell did you do

sharkboi: OH MY GOD  
sharkboi: SHIRO UR DEAD THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU  
sharkboi: I DONT KNOW WHAT U DID BUT IT TOOK US SO FUCKING LONG TO GET THEM UNDER CONTROL BECAUSE AS SOON AS WE GOT EVERYONE INSIDE AND (semi) PEACEFULLY SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM ACXA AND KEITH BOTH STARTED SCREAMING “FUCK SHIRO HES SIX HE CANT CONTROL US” AND THEY STARTED A WHOLE NOTHER FUCKING RIOT

Hunk-of-love: I am ashamed to say I took part in that riot  
Hunk-of-love: I didn’t mean to! It’s just i already had an adrenaline rush and they started shouting and i just joined in!

Hunk-of-love has been removed from the chat!

shrio: The chat needed to be cleansed of this entire day.

shrio added KatieHolt, HunkGarrett, MatthewHolt, AlluraAltea, and KeithKogane to a disaster of the gays!

shrio: Keith, you and Acxa had better be sitting in the living room with dinner ready by the time I get home or I swear I will kill you both.  
shrio: Anyone who is not a Kogane or Shirogane must be gone by the time I get home or I swear I will kill you all.

KatieHolt changed their user to PenutButer

PenutButer: aye aye cap’n

KeithKogane changed their user to Keith

AlluraAltea changed Keith’s user to Emo Emu  
AlluraAltea changed their user to goddess

MatthewHolt changed their user to MATTRESS

PenutButer changed HunkGarrett’s user to Goldenboi

goddess: Yessir

Emo Emu: Allura what the fuck

goddess: shhh just accept it

sharkboi: im sorry babe but u are hella emo

Emo Emu: I hate you all

MATTRESS: no u dont u love us

Emo Emu: debatable

sharkboi: hes lying. were cuddling rn  
sharkboi: wsdefgbhnj  
sharkboi: KEITH FUCKING HIT ME WITH CHOMPY

ShiningGem: Chompy?

sharkboi: his stuffegdyvbnxckjshb

ShiningGem: ???

Emo Emu: SHIRO DONT U FUCKING DARE

shrio: Keith has a stuffed hippo that he named Chompy when he was six

shrio changed their user to I AM OLDER

Emo Emu: shiro ur fucking dead when you get home

Emo Emu changed their user to SHIRO IS SIX

I AM OLDER changed SHIRO IS SIX’s user to KEEF LUVS CHOMPY

KEEF LUVS CHOMPY changed I AM OLDER’s user to ACTUAL SIX YEAR OLD

ACTUAL SIX YEAR OLD: AAAAHHHH

KEEF LUVS CHOMPY: AAAAHHHH

sharkboi: christ the ganes are fuckin disasters

sharkboi added AcxaKogane to a disaster of the gays!

sharkboi: acxa pls control ur sibs

AcxaKogane changed their user to ACXA IS QUEEN FUCK SHIRO AND KEITH

ACXA IS QUEEN FUCK SHIRO AND KEITH: AAAAHHHH

PenutButer: at thsi point i cant tell if the ganes or holts are bigger disasters

ACXA IS QUEEN FUCK SHIRO AND KEITH: thsi

KEEF LUVS CHOMPY: thsi

ShiningGem: thsi

sharkboi: thsi

goddess: thsi

GoldenBoi: thsi

ACTUAL SIX YEAR OLD: thsi

MATTRESS: rhis  
MATTRESS: fUCK

goddess: rhis

KEEF LUVS CHOMPY: rhis

sharkboi: rhis

ShiningGem: rhis

GoldenBoi: rhis

ACTUAL SIX YEAR OLD: rhis

ACXA IS QUEEN FUCK SHIRO AND KEITH: rhis

weird uncle: rhis

PenutButer: THIS IS WHAT I MEAN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk just kinda fun chapter to make up for the past ones lol
> 
> im considering making them actually like,,, spend time in school at some point but idk if i want to cuz uhhh school can get fucked
> 
> also im really sorry for the late update, school totally fucked me over for a while there lol
> 
> so yeah uhhh here take this garbage


	13. shit man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shit man
> 
> its short and weird but then again so am i
> 
> Warnings: Lots of all caps typing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Username-
> 
> Shay: Sugar Cookie/ShiningGem  
> Hunk: Honey Bear/GoldenBoi/Strong boi  
> Keith: mi alma/KEEF LUVS CHOMPY/mothman  
> Lance: 내 인생/sharkboi/Too skinny  
> Shiro: ACTUAL SIX YEAR OLD  
> Matt: MATTRESS  
> Allura: goddess  
> Coran: weird uncle  
> Pidge: PenutButer/nessie

5:57 P.M. Sugar Cookie to Honey Bear

Sugar Cookie: Hey Honey~

Honey Bear: Hey Sugar~~

Sugar Cookie: Do you want to have a date tonight?

Honey Bear: I’d love to! I just need to make sure Lance is fine with you coming over first

Sugar Cookie: Ok!

 

5:58 P.M. 내 인생 to mi alma

내 인생: Date night. My house.

mi alma: k

 

6:02 P.M. Strong boi to Too Skinny

Strong boi: Shay, yea or nah

Too skinny: keith, yea or nah  
Too skinny: OHHHHHHHH  
Too skinny: Shay yea

Strong boi: ~drift~  
Strong boi: Keith yea

Too skinny: ~drift~

 

6:05 P.M. Honey Bear to Sugar Cookie

Honey Bear: Lance is fine with you coming over! Warning, Keith will also be coming over because they’re apparently also having a date night, but they shouldn’t be a problem

Sugar Cookie: Okay! I’ll see you soon then, Honey <3

Honey Bear: See you soon, Sugar <3

 

6:07 P.M. Too skinny to Strong boi

Too skinny: i can FEEL the sap emanating off of u

Strong boi: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Too skinny: boi

Strong boi: What, like youre not horrifically sappy with keith?

Too skinny: Excuse you we are not “horrifically sappy”!!

Strong boi: Mhm. Sure.

 

6:09 P.M. sharkboi to a disaster of the gays

sharkboi: Shiro!  
sharkboi: Hunk is being ridiculously sappy with shay and he won’t even admit it and he’s also trying to call me out at the same time!!

GoldenBoi: OH so this is how we’re doing this? Fine then!

PenutButer: oh no  
PenutButer: a hance fight

goddess: Oh no this isn’t good

KEEF LUVS CHOMPY: what

ACTUAL SIX YEAR OLD: What is going on here?

sharkboi: hunk is being purposefully annoying!!!

GoldenBoi: Lance is being extra whiny!!!

sharkboi: bro

GoldenBoi: Bro

sharkboi: bro!

GoldenBoi: bro.

sharkboi: bRo

GoldenBoi: BrO

sharkboi: bRO

GoldenBoi: b r o

sharkboi: B R O

GoldenBoi: BRo

sharkboi: brO

GoldenBoi: YOU LEAVE GREAT AUNT TILDE OUT OF THIS YOU HEATHEN

sharkboi: FINE THEN STOP BRINGING COUSIN MARCO INTO THIS

MATTRESS: okay what the FUCK is going on  
MATTRESS: im so confused

goddess: This is how they fight

PenutButer: honestly it’s terrifying for those who have witnessed their fights before because we KNOW what they get like

KEEF LUVS CHOMPY: theyre just saying bro at each other though???

PenutButer: thats what u think  
PenutButer: they can somehow understand what the other person is saying- DONT ASK ME I DONT KNOW HOW

ShiningGem: It’s so… comical though

weird uncle: Oho What Is Going On Here?

goddess: Hunk and Lance are fighting

weird uncle: Oh No That Is Very Bad.  
weird uncle: Ah Shay My Dear, It May Seem Comical Now, But For Those Who Experienced The Great Hance Fight Five Years Ago, It Is Truly Terrifying.

KEEF LUVS CHOMPY: coran, i thought you werent scared of anything

weird uncle: I Am Scared Of The Fights Between Hunk and Lance.

goddess: The thing is, they d o n o t fight, so when they do fight, it gets really bad really quickly.

ShiningGem: Whats the “great hance fight”?

PenutButer: We do not speak of that time.

goddess: We do not speak of that time.

weird uncle: We Do Not Speak Of That Time.  
weird uncle: Truly A Dark Time For The World.

PenutButer: coran. Do you have the bunker prepared

weird uncle: Check.

PenutButer: allura. Do you have the necessary sustenance incase this lasts as long as TGHF

goddess: Check.

PenutButer: i have all other necessary items. Be prepared to evacuate to the bunker at a moments notice

weird uncle: Ready.

goddess: Ready.

MATTRESS: what the fuck

KEEF LUVS CHOMPY: its like theyre going to war holy shit

sharkboi: AAAAAAHHHHH  
sharkboi: HUNK THREW MY MATTRESS OUT MY BEDROOM WINDOW AND MY PILLOWS AND BLANKETS OUT ALL THE OTHER WINDOWS  
sharkboi: THIS MEANS WAR

GoldenBoi: COME AT ME BRO  
GoldenBoi: GUESS WHATS GOING DOWN THE SINK RIGHT NOW

sharkboi: HUNK DONT YOU DARE TOUCH MY FUCKING FROSTED FLAKES I SWEAR TO GOD

GoldenBoi: WHOOPS TOO LATE

sharkboi: SON OF A BITCH  
sharkboi: OKAY THATS IT I AM GOING TO KILL YOU

GoldenBoi: OH YEAH? WITH WHAT? YOUR NOODLE ARMS? GOOD LUCK BUDDY

PenutButer: EVACUATE HOLY SHIT GO GO GO

ShiningGem: What is happening????

PenutButer: Things have escalated at an alarming rate!! Evacuate to the bunker to stay safe!!!

 

6:37 P.M. mothman to nessie

mothman: is the bunker alluras house

nessie: no its an actual bunker  
nessie: at alluras house

mothman: theres a bunker at alluras???

nessie: yes now get your ass here quick

mothman: is this really necessary

nessie: yes  
nessie: also allura has scooby snacks

mothman: im on my way

 

6:40 P.M. ACTUAL SIX YEAR OLD to a disaster of the gays

ACTUAL SIX YEAR OLD: Why did Keith just fly out of the house screaming “I’m coming Scooby”?

PenutButer changed KEEF LUVS CHOMPY's user to Scooby's Slut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> he nyoom  
> he zoom  
> but most importantly  
> he eat that scooby doo  
> ...  
> snack.


End file.
